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[01 Apr 2007|03:43am] |
And i'll go on, living my life, knowing that it's not supposed to be this way.
Fuck
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| You wanna, you wan, you wanna know whaaat?? |
[21 Dec 2006|02:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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elliott smith |
] |
Haha that subject makes me crack the fuck up. Memories are fun.
Things have been "stellar". No, really. They've been pretty good aside from this whole christmas thing stressing me out..
There is one person I have NO idea what to get and it's starting to wear my brain out. It won't get off my mind!! I know that probably sounds a little bit absurd.. But have you ever had to buy a gift for someone extremely important to you without knowing what they wanted? It's fucking hard because you want it to be something special and amazing, but you have no idea what the fuck that is. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Maybe I'll die before christmas hits and I won't worry about it anymore. haha
I smell coconuts. mm
I gotta do some girly things now.. Like shave and shower.. I bet you wanted to hear that, eh?
haha
I can make you satisfied in everything you do.
All your secret wishes could right now be coming true.
Be forever with my poison arms around you.
No ones gonna fool around with us.
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| A brain that never stops ticking..Sometimes an on on switch would sure come in handy. |
[05 Dec 2006|04:49pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
How do you know when you're really, truly falling apart?
Is it when you can't predict where/when your tears will start to flow?
Is it when you stay up all night, thinking of everything that has gone wrong?
Is it when your mind becomes this horrible thing that eats at you day in and day out?
Is it when you do things that are completely out of character for you?
I don't know what's going on with me, but lately, I've been analyzing every single thing that is going on in my life. It's so hard for me to admit that I'm so disappointed in myself for so many things..
It's so hard for me to figure out what I want, what I need.. I always THINK i'm doing what's best, but it never turns out to be true.. I'm a big ball of confusion, but I suppose I'm heading in the right direction.. I just don't know if that's good enough.
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first.
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes.
But I know, waiting is all you can do..
Sometimes.
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| and oh my love, my love. we both go down together |
[10 Nov 2006|10:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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one of the many cds mark made me |
] |
Life sometimes kicks you in the ass and tears you apart into little tiny pieces.. Then expects you to pick up those pieces and make yourself whole yet again. At this point, it seems almost impossible to do that.. Then again, whenever shit gets tough I always think that I'll never make it out okay.. I always seem to find a way to, though.
My nights have mostly been filled with coffee, conversation, laughter, sarcasm, and music. I am glad who I have in my life right now. I believe they're here for a reason.. How else do you explain 2 old friends coming back into your life AND meeting a brand new friend when you never, ever are even ABLE to make friends..Especially not good friends haha.. I call it meant to be.
Regardless of what it is, their company is keeping me sane. If it weren't for them, I'd be sitting in my bed, staring at the ceiling, counting how many paint strokes there were, and then trying to rack up the mistakes I've made.
I think too much. My mind is a neverending flow of thoughts, and it is killing me...
"Starting a new chapter"
...It's a scary thing to think about. But cheers to starting a new chapter.
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| This made me laugh tonight... |
[27 Sep 2006|11:31pm] |
"I always want to put my tongue in your nostril"
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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| hi. |
[25 Sep 2006|09:41am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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chasing cars |
] |
I am in hell of an absolutely fabulous horrible/depressed mood. Haven't been so low since my dad punched me in the face a few years ago and told me he hoped I died!! =)
Everyone should give me a high five and a pat on the back for being so positive about it, though. That'd be very much appreciated. Thanks in advance!!
I left my keys in my sisters car so Im stuck at home, being unproductive, until she brings me them in an hour or so. *SIGH*
How do you know when enough is enough? Is it just a feeling you get or are you physically not able to let whatever is going on go on any more. I understand this is vague, and no one will respond to it anyway, but if you want, let me know...
Oh, and by the way. Cheesy lines do NOT work well with me-- You will not get my phone number, nor my respect or attention.
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| OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFF |
[30 Aug 2006|12:08pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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clicky goes keyboard |
] |
SO, IT FEELS LIKE MY STOMACH IS BEING TORN THE FUCK APART.
OUCH OUCH OUCH. FUCKING OUCH.
I spent 500 dollars to fix my car.
Then I needed a new transmission, because my first and second gear melted together. That cost me 900 dollars, and was supposed to fix all problems.
Now, it won't start. It's stuck at my sisters house, and apparently, everyone over there (her grandparents, neighbors) think its the fuel filter, and that I need a new one. I unno how much that will cost, but I'm sure a lot if you add TOWING TO THE BILL.
I hate this fucking garbage. Now, I realize, life is life, and these things happen.. I cannot accept it considering the fact that I believe this all was my fault. Im stressed out, and in a daily bad mood. It's no fun being me.:P
I kinda wanna smash my head under a rock, but that would be an easy way out. heh.
School is cool.
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| FOND FAREWELL TO A FRIEND |
[19 Aug 2006|02:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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mates of state |
] |
Unfortunately, all at one time, everything has been falling apart on me.
My computer is dead(it wont even turn on), so I can only check my e-mail/myspace/livejournal on my brothers laptop every once in awhile. I can't go on aim and I can do anything. shux.
I spent 500 dollars to fix my car, and it is NOT fixed... Everytime I stop, it makes a rattling noise and shuts off... I guess that's the only way to explain it, although there is much more to it.
Stephanie is not coming home.. Ever.. Which really sucks because she's throwing her life away, and I, as well as so many people, miss her. :+(
Lastly, thanks. Thanks ever so much. BLAH
College starts soon. Hooray.
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| Don't, Don't drink poison. DONT, DONT DRINK POISON |
[13 Aug 2006|12:22pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Le Tigre- Don't drink poison |
] |
Well that's that I suppose.
Lately, things have not been going very well for me, but I'm hoping that will change.
I guess I can hope, right? I might as well try to do something about it too, while I am hoping. haha
BLAH!
Oh, work work. Why do you hate me so?
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| ooooooooooooooooof! |
[31 Jul 2006|03:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sigur Ros |
] |
I had a dream while taking a nap that left me pretty damn down today.
Basically, everything I've been happy about lately turned out to be completely false. I was only creating the happiness in my head, and twisted everything that I saw, read, and heard, and made it all into something to be happy about.. I was pretty much living in a world created by myself, and I took things that people said and made it all into something to make me happy. None of it was real..
When I finally realized what I was doing, my heart broke and I fell apart. Not a fun dream, to say the least. I actually woke up feeling extremely hurt and it wasn't very pleasant.
I'm so so excited that my jerky is coming home soon. It's strange not talking to him that much. I'm used to talking/communicating with him pretty much all day.
I'm just extremely happy he's feeling a lot better, because that's all that matters. Our giggles and smiles shall return, as well as the abuse. yaah boiii! haha
Work Work Work. Allll week long. Well, except for today and Saturday.. blech.
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| always |
[26 Jul 2006|01:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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ooga |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Radiohead |
] |
Hey, guess what guys.
I went to yahoo.com and the home page shows the top, most important news. Guess what it was!
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE HAS A NEW, SEXY VIDEO OUT!!
...This is the reason why I want to shoot people.. all the time.
Ya know, this was the first time in weeks my websites decided to work, and I don't even give a damn because of that shitty piece of useless information.
On to other, un-related news::
The Muse concert is Friday. IM EXCITED. CALEB IS NOT. :(
I feel like a garbage can, and all the goodies that go inside a garbage can.
Wait, nevermind. I guess all this information is just as useless as the Justin Timberlake information.
Im worthless!
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| Long time no update,. things are swell. |
[11 Jul 2006|03:01pm] |
|
I absolutely HATE starbucks coffee.. HATE HATE HATE IT..
Anyway,
I saw GOONIES yesterday with Caleb. First time experience for me. I got made fun of a bit for that.. oopsy haha
The Asian kid was my absolute favorite. I like the way he talked, if that makes any sense.
We have a lot of shows coming up. ya boooiiiii.
I'm also going to the MUSE concert with Caleb. YA BOOOOOOIIIIII.
OH, by the way..
123
50-50
ooof!
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[22 Jun 2006|01:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
] |
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music |
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Muse |
] |
This entry is completely scattered, choppy, and random. I blame a work day cut short and a lonely mind for what you're about to read.
( rain rain, go away. )
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[07 Jun 2006|11:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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weezer.. thats right. |
] |
My mind is clogged and my thoughts are overflowing..
It's going to be one of those nights.. One of those lonely, depressing nights. The kind where you are so exhausted, but your body won't let you sleep. The kind where you sit and stare at your ceiling, because you don't know what else you could do.
The kind where you want to scream so loud, because the thoughts forming in your head are unpleasant and unwelcome, yet they won't go away.
That's the kind of night tonight is.
Before I die, I want to decide whether or not human existence is meaningful and serves a purpose.
For my own sake, I want to believe in something. I don't want to live life without an opinion or a belief, and since I know I do not want to live long, I really need to get going..
I'd tell you my views on religion & god, but I'd really rather not start an argument.. I know some of you are all about the jesus.
Yesterday was 666, and I found it funny how everyone used the date as their main topic of discussion for the day. At work, so many people came in to play the numbers 666 in lottery.. I bet you half of the people that came in were catholics. hahaha it would be so funny if they did win by playing the numbers that symbolize the devil.. Maybe they'd worship satan after they won.. After all, god didn't help them win the money, SATAN DID.
I hate how catholics contradict themselves in so many fucking ways... Okay, I'll stop. I said I didn't want to start an argument. Apologies all around the bar. :)
I feel like dirt tonight.. Maybe even a little lower. hahaha.
My negativity shines bright tonight. ::shines::
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| casinova is a hunk. |
[21 May 2006|11:57am] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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.!.!.! |
] |
My weekend was splendid.
I spent Friday and Saturday at Jimi's house. We did a lot of things; Went out to dinner a few times, went to the movies, rented a movie, did all that fun stuff you do in a relationship.
The cutest part of my weekend was when Jimi and I woke up Saturday morning to Zoe opening up Jimi's door and laughing, saying her little baby pretend words. She ran in and wanted to come up on the bed with us, so I picked her up and she was sitting on mine and jimi's legs and she had the biggest smile on her face. It was SO adorable.
Jimi was happy because he said that's what it will be like when we live together.
We'll see.
I hung out with Nicholas on the weekend for a bit, too. And I only saw Caleb for 10 minutes because he is a baby. haha
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| fuck.suck.luck.buck.tuck.puck.yuck.duck. |
[04 May 2006|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indifferent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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i like big butts and i cannot lie |
] |
Normally, I'd be back where I once was.
NOT THIS TIME. NO, NOT THIS TIME.
And fuck showering. No.. I didn't mean that, I don't want to stank.
Next weekend. Playing 2 shows. 2 SHOWS, mother fuckers.
I am being quite vulgar tonight.
I'm going to go shower, and indulge myself into a lovely book. I have plenty new ones to choose from, and I couldn't be more excited.
You may think I'm a nerd. That's cool. I'll just think you're an idiot.
..Can you tell depression has yet to leave, even though the weather is warm? SPLEEEENDID.
|
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| .!.Jimi is on the phone on his break .!. |
[19 Apr 2006|03:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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jimis voice |
] |
I suppose I haven't really had much to update on because life has been pretty monotonous. I don't know how much I like that. I am used to constantly having something new to tell.. I don't really have that anymore because I've been doing the same thing day after day.
This weekend should be fun,though;
Jimi's birthday!!! Drinking. Playing a crazy show. Drinking. Going to my brother's opera! haha yessss
I've been a little bit down lately, and I haven't a clue how to fix it..
That's what I hate the most. Not being able to fucking fix this problem.
Sometimes I just want out. Sometimes I want to run.
AWAY.
I just miss some people. That's all..
Ya know what though? Today, as I was driving home from the store, I decided to take a stroll through my neighbourhood so I could finish my cigarette and be alone for a bit more.. I noticed that almost all of the trees have bloomed. Soon enough I'll be able to go for nighttime summer walks and smoke cigarettes with my best friend because it's tradition. And I'll be able to kiss Jimi on the beach. I'll plant flowers and cut the grass. I'll lay in the sun in my backyard with my silly dog by my side.
I hope winter's depression doesn't drag into summer this time.
I hope I shape up and ship out soon.
I hope these thoughts go away. No one likes a downer.
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carrot_fever's journal
chipper
exhausted